Inspiration Boulevard

I think that perhaps in the last two weeks I’ve laughed harder and more often than I have in years. God is good. In my heart there are so many questions about what the next six months, year, or five years of my life will look like. Still I realize today, more than ever that I am blessed. I have a family who loves me and supports me, a church that is challenging me to get outside of myself, friends who encourage me and love me “as is”, and a job that provides more than I need. I have two roommates who have managed to break me of lots of bad habits and mindsets, to help me be more open and honest about who I really am, and who have encouraged me in more ways than they can know, without even trying. I’m truly beginning to understand community in its deepest form. I’m relishing in moments shared with those I love.

My heart was numb for years. A completely flawed self image, fear of man, self-medicating, and uncertainty about who I am and what I am capable of paralyzed me. So when I say that I’m laughing… I’m saying that I’m laughing and I really mean it. I have a silliness and lightheartedness that I haven’t experienced in so long. Joy.

I remember that when I was young people always told me that I had a pretty smile. In 7th grade, three people told me that in one day and I remember that it made me feel so good. Recently I’ve thought a few times that it’s sad because I can’t remember someone admiring my smile in a long time. Not sad because I crave the compliment (though don’t get me wrong… girl loves a compliment) but because I realized that the smile was a representation of the joy (or lack thereof) in my heart. No one complimented me on my smile, because I don’t think I was smiling much. How can you smile and laugh when there is a shroud of shame, guilt, hurt, fear and dissatisfaction covering everything you say and do? Well if you're like me… you fake it, you force it, you pretend, but no one really compliments you on your smile, because it’s worn more like an accessory rather than an out flowing of a joyful heart.

I don’t think that you always realize how empty you’ve felt until you begin to feel filled again. I was so empty. I wore my smile, laughed and went on about life, knowing that I was broken, but I didn’t know how to get fixed. I helped other people and I prayed hard for them, but I didn’t really know how to pray for myself. I asked for help, I went to counseling and shared with friends, but couldn’t change. I never lost faith, I never quit loving or trusting God, but I didn’t feel free either. I thought that it was “for freedom he set us free” and I felt like I was in bondage.

So I was thinking about this and imagined this rope tied around my heart. Hmm… a rope around your heart, that can’t be good. Anyway, this rope…each moment of disobedience and each time I believed the lies it slowly twisted and knotted around my heart, squeezing out the life in me over a period of 15 years. Yeah, that’s a long time. How do you get rid of this tangled rope that’s been pulled tighter and wrapped so many times that it’s created a barrier between your heart and everyone else? I cried, prayed, begged and hoped for the freedom. I guess I expected the rope to instantaneously break and free my damaged heart. Ohh this microwave society…wouldn’t I have loved for that rope to be severed 14 ½ years ago. I believe that over these years since the numbness began, God has been cutting through the rope one strand at a time. Not an instant, but gradual process of freedom.



So would I lie to you and say that I wake up every morning smiling and laughing again to look in the mirror and say “good morning beautiful.” Nope… don’t take it too far. He makes me beautiful. Three years ago I couldn’t have said those words without tears… I could verbalize them, but I didn’t believe them. I finally realize that It’s got nothing to do with me, the slammin’ jewelry I wear, or my weak attempts at dressing trendy, the fact that I have fun new red hair, the makeup I wear or anything else. Jesus in me… that is my beauty. The hope in his plan for me and gratefulness for who He is… that is my joy.

He has gifted me with a heart to serve, creativity, a voice to worship; he has made me funny and given me the ability to share my heart with others. I don’t want to get carried away, but today I’m just so grateful for the ways that I know God has blessed me, for this journey of healing he has taken me on, and that for the first time in a long time I can see the beauty he is creating in me. I still have a long way to go, but He’s not finished… and that’s the best part.